Week 17: Learning Boundaries in a Life Shaped by Defense

One of the hardest things about growing up always on the defense is realizing how much it carries into your future.

When you’ve spent your childhood worried about the day, the next day, defending yourself physically and mentally, and always taking care of someone else, it catches up with you. It doesn’t just disappear when you get older. That part takes work.

For me, one of the biggest battles has been people assuming I am not smart. Why? Because I dropped out of high school and got my GED. What they conveniently leave out is that I also went to college for 4 years straight once I became older, and obtained my BS in IT.

Still, if someone hears me use the wrong grammar or sees me write something imperfectly, their first thought is, “Oh, she must be undereducated.” That assumption has followed me for years, from classmates to my ex-husband, to coworkers, and even people in my life as recently as now.

It is a constant attack. Not from strangers, but from people who think they already know me. And the truth is, it’s not just me. People like me, who grew up in hard places, get judged and dismissed the same way.

Then, on top of that, there are people who assume because of my past and my soft heart, I should just give and give and give until I am drained dry. They want my time, my money, my help, my heart, and when I finally say no, when I finally set a boundary, I become the villain in their story. I get talked about as if I am a horrible human for protecting myself or my family. I have learned this is okay, as you can't make everyone happy. No matter what you do.

I live with PTSD.

No, I don’t lead with that. I don’t introduce myself by saying, “Hi, I have PTSD.” But it is a daily silent battle.

How do I not worry that a man will get mad and hurt me again?

How do I not worry that if I don’t take care of someone who is struggling, then no one else will?

How do I not spiral when someone takes advantage of my kindness and acts like it is perfectly fine to do so over and over again?

That is the reality of living with past trauma. It never fully leaves you. It’s a constant journey.

If you are like me, if you struggle with PTSD, anxiety, depression, or anything like it, hear me:

It is okay to set boundaries.

It is okay to say, “No, I can’t.”

It is okay to say, “I need to spend time with my family.”

It is okay if people hate you for it. This only affects them, don't let it affect you.

It is okay if they stop talking to you because you didn’t give them what they felt entitled to.

Here is what I know: I need to spend at least one hour in the Word, my Bible, every morning.

If I do not set my day with peace from Jesus first, if I don’t remind myself that I am loved, that everything will be okay, then the old pains and current struggles can knock me down quickly. We must strengthen ourselves before we step out for the day.

Scripture realigns me. It reminds me that my worth isn’t in other people’s opinions.

It reminds me I am not defined by their anger or judgement.

And it reminds me that I do not have to apologize for things that are not mine to carry. And neither do you!

Take this with you today:

Boundaries are not cruelty. They are protection.

And you are allowed to protect the peace you fought so hard to build.