Week 14: What Should Have Broken Me Built Me

Let’s get right into it this week.

Why did I start writing this? So you can know that you are not alone.

My story used to embarrass me. I would hide parts of it or soften the details. But now I know it was never something to be ashamed of. It was the beginning of something so much bigger.

What tried to bury me became the foundation I now stand on to help others. Children. Teenagers. Mothers. Women. Families. Incarcerated. Addicted. The Lost.

People who feel alone, unseen, hurt, or lost. Because I have been there too.

It started with loneliness, when my mother was no longer emotionally present and my father left.

Then came hunger, when food started disappearing from my daily life.

Then anger, as I watched my mother screaming and crying on the floor behind her bedroom door.

Then fear, as I was alone far too long by myself all the time as a child.

Then hurt, when I met my stepmother, someone I blamed, alongside my father, for the life I was now forced to live. Bugs, roaches, dirty few clothes, smells, hunger and fear.

Then sex too way too young in age, trying to fill a void called love.

Then drugs and cutting myself, trying to numb the pain I could not speak out loud.

Then Fights, School Suspensions and Court Rooms and funeral homes way to young watching my teen friends die, while trying to live and not being guided.

Then it was beers and other drinks, just trying to fit in with a crowd that was headed nowhere good, just like me.

Then I became a high school dropout and lost people I thought were friends.

Then I became homeless.

Then I became a young single mother at 21, completely lost on how to raise a child while hearing my own mom plan vacations with my sister, the sister who never came around unless she was drunk or high as a teen, the sister who grew up with everything she wanted with our dad. The sister I highly resented for leaving us. I was told "your fine" and "I got through it you can to" when I asked why she wouldn't bring me or help me get out of being homeless now that she had a well off husband and very lovely life overseas. Instead it was all paid trips for my sister who had a place, a job and not homeless. It hurt.

Then I found myself in a ten-year highly abusive marriage, emotionally, physically, and mentally broken.

Then I became a single mother of four babies, struggling to breathe and having no self-confidence.

But I went back to school online at night while my children slept. I got my college degree in IT with advanced Networking.

I built something from nothing, on my own for my children, and to prove to myself that I was smart enough and capable. I would no longer be called stupid or be told, ‘Well, you dropped out of high school, so you don’t have the education to write well.’

And that is when everything started to shift.

I started going to church.

I found love; but not in a new husband yet. I found love In Jesus in 2009.

And only then, with a heart that was finally healing, was I able to see the man in 2015 who would become my loving husband, not just a partner, but a protector.

He loves me without needing anything in return.

He sees my children as his own.

He calls them his.

He shows up.

He supports me physically and financially.

He speaks with love, not control.

He protects with gentleness, not threats.

And I know now this is what I was meant for. Not just to survive. But to lead. To mentor. To pour love into those who feel like they have nothing left.

Because what should have broken me? It built me. It built a woman who can now look someone in the eyes and say, “I understand,” and actually mean it.

It built someone who can tell someone, “You don’t have to trade your body for attention,” and not sound judgmental, but sincere.

It built someone who can sit with a young mom in a pantry line, and say, “You’re doing better than you think,”.

We all have something ahead of us to look forward to. Even if you can’t see it right now. Sometimes it takes one person to give you hope. Sometimes it takes someone to speak life into you when you feel buried.

That is why I write. That is why I live this truth out loud. Because if I can make it out of the darkness I know you can too.